Down note

Definitely having downer days lately.

I'm feeling so overwhelmed. I can't manage everything and I can't ask for help. It's just not me.

It's showing through my tough facade though. Even my little brother was offering to watch the kids some wknd so Hubs and I can get away.

I'm really not interested though. I don't want to go anywhere, certainly not with someone I feel like I barely know anymore. I rarely even see him, just a short time during the chaos after school as he gets home shortly after the big kids, he then goes downstairs to work in the basement. It's so frustrating cause we're down to the wire and the permit is/is almost up, it's been a year, I've tried a couple dozen times to get him to make a plan of attack,to make a list, to do a little every night, to get help, it's all fallen on deaf ears and so now as I'm falling apart I have absolutely no back up. He typically doesn't even come up for bed time so I'd have help getting them down. I'm trying not to be bitter, but I am, and I hate it.

The stress of it all is just mounting and now overflowing. The foster stuff, the way the kids treat me, the mess everywhere, the total lack of respect from the kids, the lack of attention from the hubs, the bitching from other sources, the we lost our jobs and still have to take care of 6 kids and all the same bills as before thing. I just want to scream! I'd go hide in my room, but it's a mess and I don't want to go in there. I have no sacred safe place, no place I can go to be alone and breath.......

I spend all day with kids, trying to keep Brady from breaking his head! Dealing with the little girls fighting, screaming, then getting along.

As soon as the big kids get home it's all heck breaking lose. Then there are the kids I'm watching that don't live here. I just told one mom I'd watch her son all summer and I really don't know if I'm up to it.
I was so looking forward to staying home and being able to sleep in during the summer and spend time with MY kids. That's not happening now, I just can't say no, no matter how much it weighs on me.

I won't even see my big girls much this summer, and that just sucks! Their dad is an ass and refuses to give up any of "his" time so the girls can do activities, like summer camp. So if they go to camp it has to be on "my" time. They've been dying to go for years and how can I not let them, I sacrifice for my kids, it's who I am. So because the donor isn't willing to it means I won't see each of them for 3 weeks over the summer. We have never went that long apart and it's killing me, but what do I do?

It especially kills me because I will be seeing kids that aren't even mine.

I'm going to stop. I know people are going to take this all wrong and I really don't have the energy to deal with it. Plus the tears are flowing and it's tough to type like that.

Lord, please hear my plea. Help. Amen.