Confessions

I hide a lot. I mean a lot a lot, from everyone. I even try to hide things from myself. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes it all crashes down.

I'm in crash mode. I absolutely hate it with all that I am, I hate this feeling, I hate not being in control of my emotions. I hate feeling so completely broken and lost.

I've been falling for a while. Hubs knows and poor guy, try as he might, he's unable to help. Other people know, though probably not the severity. My own family doesn't even know how far I've fallen, or even that I ever have.....

I went to the doctor again, I hate that too. For one, despite going to the gym regularly for 6 months (irregularly the last few) I have lost a total of about nothing, so the scale is not my friend and I refuse to step on it in front of other people. Nurses and doctors are other people. So anyway, because I want to be ok I went. My old doctor left, this keeps happening to me.....new one was really nice. Funny as I write this I think of her words, she doesn't believe in facebook and thinks blogging your issues and letting the world know so much is pure craziness. I'm nothing if not crazy.

I don't know why I blog this personal stuff. Attention? I don't know. Maybe slightly. I really don't want the attention, I want others to not feel alone. I want to give reasons why people shouldn't expect so much of me as they do, doesn't work though, they still do. Maybe it's for the few people who tell me I'm great just the way I am and that I'm amazing with all that I do.

I read this quote the other day "Your actions show what your heart is made of" I'm holding on to that to make me feel like I'm a good person. I do good people things, but my heart doesn't feel good to me. I feel like a bad person, an undeserving person. How can I not, I have this "perfect" little world and I can't appreciate it or be ok in it. How horribly ungrateful I must be. God has given me 4 wonderfully healthy children who tell me I'm the best mom ever, who tell me they love me more than anyone in the whole world, who would rather be with me than anyone else ever. I have a husband who loves me unconditionally, literally, the way I've only seen people love their children. I can't even feel that love though, I see it, but I can't feel it and I justify reasons as to why it's not "me" he loves, that he'd be like that with anyone he was with, cause he's just that way. Crazy? Maybe. Yep.

I'm broken. Totally, completely, in a million pieces. Honestly I haven't been able to fully recover from the postpartum depression after have B. Depression, such an ugly word. Not matter how much I'm told it's a disease it makes me feel weak and horrible and inferior. I've been told my whole life how strong I was. It's not true, I'm a survivor, what they mistake for strength is me turned off. I'm not able to turn on most days and it causes me incredible guilt.

If you see me out and about I will smile at you, I will make small talk, I will tell you I'm doing fine. It's what I do. That's if you see me, I tend not to go out much. Amazon prime is AMAZING!

Only you who read this will know any semblance of the truth. The truth that I'm trying to survive the demons that want to bring me down. I'm tired, so so tired. But I'll survive.

Now, gotta put a smile on and engage with my kids. BTW props for you if you read all this, I'm no longer posting links to very personal posts, so you either really care or are really curious. I hope my confession brings you joy (you misery people) or makes you feel not alone. If you pray, please do for me.