Anger

I have let anger get the better of me. I really don't like that. I stuff emotions until I blow, and when I do it's big and total destruction.

We do not have much family that we are close with. For me there is a history of abuse and other "crap" so I choose to not have contact with many people. The pain it caused was too much for me. I found I couldn't even go to a family reunion this summer, the people there had done nothing to me, but the memories that was brought up just by thinking about seeing the people connected to the ones that caused pain nearly paralyzed me. So I chose not to go, I feel horrible for my kids as they don't have many people in their lives, but emotionally I just couldn't do that to myself.

I've tried to get family together, I've tried lots of things with immediate family, hubs and mine's siblings and parents. It's typically been (me and because of me hubs) always taking the reins. Things happen when we make them happen. Occasionally others stepped up, but because they were already planning something else, not just for the "monthly" family thing. I just couldn't continue to try to be the glue as I was falling apart myself. Since I can't do for people anymore then I am not needed/wanted around. So we don't see/speak to anyone, apparently things do only go one way.

I've not talked to my own mother in 2 weeks because I blew up on her husband (my father passed), he was horrible to one of my brothers and I totally lost it. I left a scathing, full of cuss words message for him when he didn't answer his phone, I let him know how I did not want people like that around my kids and would not tolerate it. I am not proud of it, I should have not lost my cool, but there is a lot to the story unsaid, and again, when I stuff feeling I blow up big eventually. Of course my mother has taken his side. So again, we're alone and my kids have lost more family.

I have friends, I just don't have the energy emotionally to attempt to connect and they are all crazy busy too, so i'm just here, alone, helping others as much as I can while breaking apart inside a little more everyday. I really shouldn't even put this out there, but what the hell, i've locked my blog, so hopefully attacks stop. Normally I'm a don't give a crap what people say (on the outside anyway) kinda person, I don't have the strength for that anymore.

I feel horrible for the alienating that i've done. I also felt horrible when I felt so used. I felt horrible when I seemed to be the only one that wanted to pull family together. I felt horrible when I asked people to step up and not expect so much from me and they turned on me. I felt horrible when someone made my little brother, who is trying so hard to over come all the shit he's dealt with in his life, break down because of their vicious words.

I feel like a bad Christian because I don't know how to be what God wants me to be. I stopped giving when it was too hard for me. I didn't show the Lords love. I'm not showing forgiveness. I do feel like I will/can forgive people, but I still don't want them part of my world, not the way it was and i'm not sure people are capable of changing who they are fundamentally.

I am struggling internally horribly. I am praying and asking for forgiveness and seeking the grace He offers, but I feel so broken. I don't even have more tears to cry, I feel dry. That may be a good thing though, I cried so much and so hard for a week there that my tear ducts were red, swollen (all the way under my eye) and hurt like crazy, good thing i'm a stay at home mom or I would have had explaining to do!

I am missing my dad more than I ever have before, and he's been gone 13 years this month. Funny cause he is the one that caused me the most pain in my life, but yet I always knew I was safe from anyone else with him. I never knew if I was safe from him, but I knew no one in the world could hurt me when my dad was there, there was a sense of security in that. I've been having that "I just want to be home" feeling and nothing is making it go away. I just miss him so much, so much that has happened in my life would not have if my dad was there to protect me (crap, guess I do still have tears!) I would never have had to endure an abusive first marriage, I would never have to be sad that my kids don't have grandparents that give a crap enough to be a real part of their lives. There was never a doubt my dad loved me, I was his favorite (out of 4) he put me on a pedestal when I wasn't on the ground, he was just never to overcome the demons that haunted him from his own childhood. My heart is broken that the man who wanted me to get pregnant in college just to give him a grandbaby (he said "you just have it, i'll take care of it!") will never meet any of them. The man who when I asked to move back home after flying the nest said I could on one condition, "that I never leave him again, I am to live with him forever", and I did, I lived there when he died, way to young at 44.

I'm going to stop there, I have 4 littles running around who have seen enough of mama crying for the last few weeks.

God, I am broken, I am laying in a million pieces that only you can put back together. I keep the facade up but I can't hide from me God, please help me, guide me, hold me, fill me with You. May Your will be done. In Jesus' name, Amen.