Can I keep going?

I'm not sure I'm able to continue in foster care. I am so overwhelmed. I feel like I'm losing my mind most days and wondering what my purpose in life really is. I spend all day dealing with kids, never even able to go potty without something happening. I had the nerve to give myself a time out for a minute today and B got into my purse, got out some REALLY expensive sunscreen and covered himself and my couch with it! Seriously, I am so beat down!

Our current bonus kids are 2 and 4 and so only add to the drama in the house. I think one of my biggest hang ups is that I can't go anywhere, seriously, we have no room in one vehicle for everyone. Hubba's car sucks tush, so that is not an option for long distances, not that I am willing to drive 2 vehicles long distances.

I feel like a quitter to even think like this. I keep telling myself God wants me to help people and I'm home anyway so why not. I feel weak thinking it may be too much for me. I feel like we haven't been fostering long enough to give up, of course then hubs pointed out that it's been on and off for 6 years! I guess I don't count all the time I had my niece and nephew.

I was so excited to be a stay at home mom, but in the last (almost) 2 years that I have been home I have not had just my kids, so all my fun plans have not come to pass. I have the best ideas, but the execution with so many kids never pans out and I just end up angry!

I'm not having fun being a mom right now. I find myself fantasizing about running away. Again, here comes the guilt.

One of the reasons to continue is that I feel like foster care gives me a purpose, a "job", something that makes people think highly of me, makes me feel like I'm doing what God wants me to do. If this is not right for me than what is? What is my purpose? What do I tell people I do and not feel like a lazy slug? How do I stay home without guilt of having no income and doing nothing? Yes, I know having kids is something, and they keep me busyish, and I do not think low of other SAHM's. I feel low about myself.

Ok I'm rambling and getting no where, I thought getting it out of my head would be helpful. I'm feeling no more clarity at the moment.

What if foster care isn't the issue? What if I don't take kids and I'm still screwed up? Then I'm just screwed up but not doing anything good to offset it......UGH Life is complicated.....and I always find a way to make it more so.....