Attachment

I knew that I would get attached to our foster kids, what I didn't know is how quickly that attachment would form!

BN and J are our first non-relative foster children. When they leave we will no longer be in their lives. I accept that God will put us in their lives only for the time he wants us to be there and I (we) are called to love them, accept them, care for them and nurture them.

A grandma has stepped up and wants to take them. When I first heard of this I was kinda offended, strange! We'd only had them for 2 weeks at that time. I wondered why that grandma hadn't stepped up before, why now that they were "mine"?!?! Of course before they were with another grandma (her age was a factor as to why they are no longer with her) so the grandma didn't have to worry because they were with family. The parents weren't facing termination of parental rights last time as they are this. It is best for the kids to be with family of course and they are blessed that grandma is willing to take them, but I can't help but be a bit sad.

I know I'm third on the list. I know that when BN tells me she loves me and when J is calling "mom" when he wants me it's because they NEED that connection and comfort and love, not because of who I am. I'm thankful that they are able to feel comfortable with me during such a scary time in their lives. It still stings a little to know I'm pouring my love into these little souls that will never remember me. I'm ok with that though. I am so blessed to be third, I am so blessed to be in their lives at all, to be able to show them that Jesus' love and let them know that not all grown ups make poor choices with their children. While they may not remember my name, I hope they will remember how I made them feel. I hope that they will know that they were loved for the time they were in our home, that I treated them as if they were my own. That they have 11 presents under the Christmas tree to open just as my own four children have.

I've been told countless times that people "don't know how I do it". It's possible because this is what God created me for. I am on this earth to be a mother, I know that in my heart of hearts, there is nothing else in this world that I would rather be. I went to college, I changed majors 3+ times and I never found what I wanted to be when I grew up. Then I had my first child and I knew. My calling isn't just to mother my own children, it is to mother other children that need me as well. I am most alive when I am with kids.

I am often overwhelmed, because this is my calling doesn't mean I don't want to run away from it sometimes, believe me I do. I tried to deny it, I tried to not follow God's pull, but my path kept being moved in the direction He wanted me to go. Things fell into place as they shouldn't have, there comes a point when no matter how great the fear or how inadequate you feel, you just have to say ok God, I trust you, use me.

I read these verses today and they really fit into where my mind has been lately.

Matthew 10:8- Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give.

Hebrews 13:1,2- 1 Keep on loving each other as brothers. 2 Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.


He has given so very much to me. I am blessed way more than I deserve. I am a sinner, I have made a million mistakes, I have hurt people deeper than I ever knew I could, I have been broken into a million pieces myself and unable to pick myself up. Yet God gave me a man who loves me no matter how shattered I am, no matter how I treat him, he loves me for me independent of how I love him. I have 4 amazing children, I can't even begin to explain the depth of my love for them, those 4 beautiful blue eyed babies have literally saved my life. I wanted to be nothing more than a mother since the time I was 4 years old (save for some rebellious teen years!) I even wanted an orphanage in a castle, I am now a mother to 4 perfect healthy gifts from above. I even get to foster, which is kinda like my orphanage, granted I'm in a modest 3 bdrm ranch, we can't have it all! The least I can do is freely give of myself to those who need me most, the littlest of Gods children who need what I can give them.

These little ones I'm privileged to care for are angels indeed. I don't know that they are from heaven in disguise, but I do know they are God sent. I know that they are strangers but for a minute and then they are forever stamped on my heart.

I can do anything with God by my side. He will bring me through what he brings me to, this I know for certain.