Insecurity

I seriously need to stop caring what people think and just look to the Lord!

The slightest thing when it comes to confrontation or conflict or disappointing someone makes me nauseous, seriously, I get sick to my stomach!

There has been family strife lately and while I said what I thought I should it still made me sick. I hate people to hate me, I hate to be disliked in the least. Funny cause I have such an I don't care attitude that I project, nope, that's my public face!

I sold some of my Ju Ju Be diaper bags and a lady just sent me a msg about one saying that she "wishes I would have told her about the run in the front" I'm no sick over that, for one, selling those was one of the toughest things I've done in a while, I love my JJB's and while I'm pretty much past the needing a diaper bag thing, it was a very important part of my life. When I was pregnant with girl #3 I got into diaper bags, found JJB and the rest was history! I had to sell because we need the money, it's the first time I've been in a position where I feel like I need to sell something to be ok, but Christmas is coming and we have 6 kids to buy for. So then the lady makes a passive aggressive comment, I truly had no idea there was a run, I disclosed everything I saw that was a flaw. I've offered to refund her if it's an issue, but I feel horrible that she apparently thinks I was just withholding info. Guess I don't like the way that makes my integrity and character look!

When I tell someone something about me that is less than perfect I get nauseous as I wait to see how they respond. This happened the other day, and it was in a message rather than person, the wait to see if this person could still love and respect me was horrible!

Our foster kids went for their first visit with their family yesterday, J had a bit of a diaper rash, not bad at all, but I felt horrible! I was sure the family was going to judge me and be mad at me. I made sure the kids were clean and polished and dressed well, all because I didn't want these people, who have had their kids taken away from them by the state two times to think badly of me! I went through tons of screening to become licensed, we were investigated top to bottom, I have 4 kids of my own, I know what I'm doing when it comes to kids, yet here I was, sick about it.

I think I have an issue. I don't want to be so dang emotional and afraid of judgement. I don't want to keep being a people pleaser to the destruction of who I am. I want to be me, I want to be honest, I want to not have to be perfect and I want to be loved anyway.

I know lots of people (you?!?!) love me without caring about my past, future, or anything in between. I know a lot of the pressure I have I put on myself. I just don't know how to stop.

Ok, done with the confession for now! Off to take my other JJB off of sale! No need to let other people judge my babies and Christmas shopping is just about done!

PS: Kids are home so my time is up......please ignore any errors!