My 3 big girls are at school now, 8th grade, 4th grade, and Kindergarten, yes I bawled, A. LOT. when I dropped them off the first day. Now it is the 3rd day and I'm feeling ok. It is me and my little man at home, my 3 years old today little man! Time goes way to fast and it makes me sad. Right now though, I'm mostly sad because I am not sleeping. Little dude is sleeping, I could have been sleeping with him for the last 2 hours since kids got on the bus. But here I am awake with the bonus kids who have been up since before 6am and have been fighting with each other over everything since then! You looked at me funny.......you took my toy.....I had that first.....no say this.....do this......UGH! I sent them to their room just so I could get a shower, cause ya know they can't be out in the living room by themselves or bad things happen!
WHY?!?! Why am I being called to have extra kids in my house when what I really want to do is sleep. I feel like I can't keep all my bio kids organized and here I am having to keep up with 2 more and all the extra appointments and people that the foster system brings! This is a whiny venting nobody understands me post, feel free to stop now if that kinda thing pisses you off.
These bonus kids are great, as far as issues go, theirs are blessedly few. They are sweet, loving kids and I am blessed to know them and get to be there mom for a while, BUT, I am exhausted! I don't get a lot of sympathy, I did take this on myself after all. I am the one who chose to continue in foster care after my family went home, with my niece and nephew I fostered because I didn't feel I had a choice. Here's the thing, I don't feel like I have a choice now either, we are licensed, we have room in our home (ok, legally, cause really we are packed in this small place!), I do not work so I have time to deal with the extra appointments and such, God calls us to take care of "the least of these", we are called to help and take care of and love people.
Here comes the fit.....I DON'T WANNA. I don't want to be responsible for so many people, I don't want to add more schedules to the planner and try to fit it all in and still keep somewhat of a presentable house. It has to be presentable ya know, I have social workers dropping by announced any time they want, not to mention lawyers who call on the way saying they need to fit in a visit and this is the only time, or adoption workers, or therapists, or people who do evaluations, or whoever the heck else wants to stop by.....I live in a popular subdivision, you know people are always stopping by want me to buy! So yeah, I'm tired, I want to be in bed, I want to go back to bed after I send my big kids to school. I want a whole lot of other things that in my head sound so selfish compared to these little people who need a place to go to be loved. I don't know what to do moving forward, I don't know how to proceed. I don't want to do what I feel I should do and I have no idea what direction God wants me to move. I wish He would just text me his plans or something.
And so here I am.
I am not sleeping....
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