The internet breeds mean people...

I've been struggling with balancing bio and foster kids. I haven't hidden that fact, I've reached out but can't seem to find much practical advice.

So I posted on a well known fostering facebook page. I have my own foster parent fb page too if you're interested, we don't have a lot of people there yet......which is why I went to the other one. I asked for advice, this is what I said:

"How do you balance bio and foster children? Must everything always be equal? Is it ok to take bio children somewhere for example and not foster? We have a foster son only 12 days older than our son and a foster daughter only 9 months younger than your daughter, it's gotten really tough with lots of competition and the fosters being mean to bio as their case took a tough turn. My bio kids are having a really hard time. Are they just too young for us to continue to do foster care?"

So I don't know, maybe I didn't give enough info. I even forgot to say the kids ages. Some people were just down right mean!! Seriously! Brought me to tears! I posted about it on my personal fb page and felt much better after talking to people who actually know me and the situation, but wow!

I have not, do not and will not show play favorites, that is what the people saw in what I posted and ran with it! Some told me it was my fault the foster kids were acting out because they could tell I preferred my kids.  They are dealing with abandonment feelings from their parents/family, have witnessed lots of things a young child never should have, but their issues are my fault?!?!

One lady even told me that I wasn't ready for foster care....

"really? why would you want to treat them different? dont you think they already feel different? you take foster children in to your home to love them and give them that family feeling that they probably have never experienced no it is not ok to favor your bio children over fosters the fosters are mean to your bios because they see the favoritism going on and they are jealous treat them all the same and i mean truly the same and ill bet they change. you ask if your bios are too young and not ready for fosters my opinion i think its not the kids at all its you and you need to ask yourself if you are ready for fosters and if your heart is in the right spot to continue to care for them in my opinion YOU are not ready for fosters"

It is seriously bothering me. I know they don't know me and how I really treat the kids, and some people just read the worst into people/situations. I have never done anything without the bonus kids, even when it would have been way easier. Even when J doesn't listen and is mean to B for NO REASON (other than what's in his head.....or maybe because of the domestic violence he saw) he still gets to do/get what my bio kids do.

The foster kids get more in fact, at Christmas they got the same number as presents as my kids, from me, my mom, my siblings. They also got extra stuff, presents from an aunt, gma's, social workers, etc. My kids got none of that, the younger ones are 2 and 5, that was tough for them, they don't get it! When they had visits they came home with McDonalds toys, twice a week to put in my kids face, as well as other things. I'm glad they have family that love them, but it's still tough for my little ones to see.

I was made to feel bad and stupid for wanting to protect my own kids, to make them feel loved when they see these other kids coming into their house using there stuff, being in their rooms, taking space on mom and dad's lap.

It is not foster children's fault that they are in the system, they need love as much as any other child. I am doing my best to give them that, and in the mean time my own children are having problems, they aren't comfortable in their home because these other kids are being mean to them. I am advocating for getting them help, I finally got them to agree to therapy for BN. I'm praying that helps the situation. I know it's natural for kids to fight and argue, bio siblings do all the time.....but they usually have the infant time as a transition, not just people their age plopped in their world!

My bio kids did not ask for this either, I think they are learning good lessons that God wants them too, how to care for people and not be selfish, but I'm feeling guilty for putting them in this situation.  I know it's natural for kids to fight and argue, bio siblings do all the time.....but they usually have the infant time as a transition, not just people their age plopped in their world! I want to help them all manage these times. I want to find balance for me as a mother and a foster mother, I want to meet all needs, I just don't know how when they conflict.

It really stinks, I reached out, to what I thought would be a tight united community, but I was made to feel like crap. Made to feel like foster kids feelings are more important......when I really think they are all important and I don't know how to balance it.

Is it me? Am I expecting to much? I am not going with the flow enough? The consensus was to treat them all the same. I will do that as best as possible, but they are not the same, it's just the sad reality of it all. Bonus kids come with a crew, they come with baggage, they come with rules that weren't made up by me......

I need a tough skin to handle the Internet and lots of prayers....