I'm emotionally exhausted. I can not do this on my own. I am leaning hard to God. Doubt clouds my head. Pray for me, for my family, namely for my nephew, you can call him P.
Last week was tough, this week is not starting better. P has such anger issues. Why would he not? He's lived with me 3 times in his life. For a month when his mom went to jail and then twice for a year + (each time) when he was removed from his mothers care by CPS.
There have been lots of different men in and out of his life. None stable, none good examples, several that he called "dad" just to have them walk away, including his own bio dad, who he didn't see until he was older. This guy has not pursued visits with P at all, of course he has to go through steps with CPS to do that and he's just not willing, it would involve getting clean and stopping criminal behavior.
While he won't say it, P takes all this to heart. He says he's absolutely fine. He's happy he's not going home right now. He doesn't want to see his dad anyway. He's completely ok with his mom the way she is. He just "doesn't care" about any of it.
His outward expression of what he's feeling on the inside and can't express tells a whole other story. This kid is miserable and angry and hurt and having a hard time trusting. I am the "safe" person in his life. I am the one that has been stable, I am the one who has been there, who has made sure he's fed, clothed, safe, warm, taken care of, clean, at school on time, in activities, etc. That makes me the one who gets the brunt of all those emotions.
He treats me horribly. I get yelled at, berated and out and out disrespected 75% of the time. He knows it, he knows it's wrong, but he can't control it when the anger comes. He punches walls, he tries to break stuff, sometimes threatens to hurt himself (yes we have lots of "help" for him and people involved) and then he calms down. He apologizes, says he's sorry, that he loves me, that he's glad I have rules, that he's glad I follow through with consequences to his actions, that it actually helps him lean and that he's not going to do it again.
Then sometime sets him off again.....and we continue with the cycle. Since finding out last week he doesn't get to go home yet it's been an every day thing. I'm in an abusive relationship with an 11 year old, what does one do with that? It's not his fault he has lived this life. I can't be yet another person to walk away and destroy him even more.
Combine the constant verbal assaults from him with the fact that my 19 month old sees no reason to sleep longer than a couple hours at a time and those hours should be spent on top of mommy, oh and that I'm such a light sleeper, my body is worn out!
Oh and besides these 2 boys I have 4 girls to take care of. One of whom is P's sister and while she doesn't have as many issues as him she is still quite the challenge. She let's me know on a regular basis how I can't make her do anything and I can't spank her and when she goes to her mom's things are not like they are here and how she's sick of dealing with me and my rules and wishes she wasn't here. Sigh.
I feel like foster care is my calling. I'm having doubts that that is the the case though. How do I know it's God talking to me, at one point I felt so convicted, I KNEW I was going in the direction he wanted. Now I'm just exhausted and thinking maybe I was making that conviction up because I wanted God to talk to me, maybe it was me in my head and not Him. Not sure if that even makes sense, but I think you'll get my meaning. I'm trying hard to give it to God and not keep picking it up, but I'm failing miserably, I'm the one who has to get through my days.
I just don't know what way to turn at the moment. I don't know what direction to go. I feel like I'm living by the seat of my pants and I really don't like it. I need a calm in the storm to be ok and I don't have that. My home is chaos, my head is chaos, I have no safe haven, no safe place to fall. I even dreamed of my dad last night and wished more than anything he was here. While he brought so much chaos and pain to my world he protected me from the outside world. He may have hurt me, but as long as he was alive I knew no one else ever would. I need that right now as the tears fall.....
No comments:
Post a Comment