Thinking

So I've been thinking. I know, OUCH! Ha!

One, I use a lot of exclamation points. I always have, well since starting this whole internet thing about 15 years ago. It's my thing! I read that it is a blog faux pas to use so many. But I'm nothing if not a giant faux pas so I'm going with it!

Two, I love kids. Like seriously, you know that right? But I mean really, as in, devote my life and make it probably 10 times harder than it needs to be love kids. As you know I have 4 bio. I say bio, because there will be more. I know this in my heart, I am not done! But I am done with bio, cause B almost killed me (and had the nerve to almost die himself!) so the hubs decided we are blessed enough with kids that share our genes and went and got fixed. Something about how terrified he was as the giant medical team left him standing in the hallway not knowing if his wife and child were dead or alive while trying to save said wife and child, blah, blah, blah.

Really I'm not that cold, I realize it was a horrible scary life changing moment for him where he had time to contemplate how freakin' amazing I am and how much he couldn't imagine life without me.....ok I make fun of heavy situations....also my thing!

I got the news that my niece and nephew will be going back to their mother. I think this is a good thing.....as long as things continue the way they are. I have very little faith of that happening, based on past behaviors of hers, but I'm hopeful. I'm praying hard for her and the kids. It will be anywhere between 1-8 weeks before they are fully transitioned home. We are awaiting the judges ruling.

So that leaves us with a foster license we got just for those kids. I always planned on fostering. I was a child who should have been in the system, but I was a child in a time when more people minded their business, so my going to school with bruises and busted lips didn't rouse anyone to call CPS....I digress...my point is I can help those kids. I've been those kids. I did not plan on fostering until my own kids were grown.

While I understand troubled kids and feel I have a lot to offer, I do have to think of my own kids first. Being thrust into this situation as I have been I realize God has different plans for my life. He has put me in exactly this spot for a reason. I'm not totally sure what it is yet, but I know for sure that this is my path. It's not for me to know all the details, it's just for me to trust God with them. And I'm trying my best to do that.

The easy thing is to say, my hands are full, I have kids I have to take care of that I birthed. That is not even an option though, God is directing this show and really I feel I have no choice but to follow. There are lots of days I don't want to, I don't want strangers in my house all the time, I don't want to deal with the issues from kids/parents/social workers/courts/etc. that I am going to have to. The relief is I know who the director is and I can take solace in that, if He is bringing me to it, He will show me how to get through it!

So I'm terrified. I have issues myself, I doubt in myself that I am capable of handling what I am going to take on. I need all the support and love that I can get from all of you.

I'm feeling a bit rambly at the moment and kids are all over me so I'm going to end this here....

Lord, I know You are the creator and director of my life. Please help me let go of control and trust You fully and completely. In Your name I pray. Amen.