I write to live....

I write to live.

Ok, maybe that is a little dramatic. But I tend towards drama so it's all good.

I've been using my blog for venting. It's mine so I guess I can do what I want, but I intended it to be more than just my personal pity party.

Maybe I'm too sensitive, but I feel like people are expecting me to be positive and "snap outta it" when I'm in a funk. Obviously these people have never dealt with mental illness <---- I HATE those words and the stigma they carry.

I've suffered with Depression for many years, diagnosed Postpartum with my last 3 bambinos...I'm sure it was there with my 1st too, but life wasn't so complicated so I struggled through.

I come from a line of mental issues, addictive issues, all kinds of issues. For what I've been through, for my issuey (how's that for a word?!?!) DNA, I think I'm doing ok.

Maybe not. I'm surviving though. One of the ways I do that is to write. I keep journals, both off and online. I've always written.....poems, books, diary's, all since I could write.

I am typically a private person. I'm not sure if it's the anonymity of the internet or the hope that I can help someone else not feel alone, or maybe someone can help me that makes me put my world public. I tend to think the latter considering I post links on my personal facebook page, leaving me vulnerable to lots of people that I'm not anonymous to at all!

This is not something for me to snap out of. This is my life. It's crazy, it's stressful, it's chaotic, it's incredibly blessed, it's mine.

If I could be ok I promise I would be. I would not choose to dwell and be miserable and I am doing everything I can think to work on that. I am not always miserable. I know how blessed I am, I have an amazing family and understanding people in my life. God has given me tools to be able to help children, which I love. God has given me so much for sure....

Depression sucks. It is not a choice. It does not mean I can't see how "lucky" I am. It means I can't always FEEL how blessed I am.

My "baby" is 18 months and I've made strides since his birth and my last horrible bout. I'm trusting God that He is leading me where I need to go, this blog being one of the places.

So, maybe I won't link all my posts to my fb page. Maybe I'll try to be more positive. Maybe I'll post some basement stuff, cause we have a real room down there now!! (yay!) Or, maybe I'll just continue to be the way I am. Cause after all this is MY life and if you want to judge it or think I should do something different or snap out of it then that's ok, cause in YOUR life you can have your opinion.....