No defense when the attacks come from the inside....

I am my own worst enemy. I'm sure most of us can say that. Of course there are those few who can't see any of their own flaws or admit any of their own mistakes and therefore find fault only in others.

I kinda envy those people sometimes. Not on a societal level, cause frankly those people suck and have few true friends (though lots of false). It's just, I'm the one person I can't get away from, ever.

Wherever I go, there I am. There is no escape from the constant barrage of pain that comes from inside. How do you stop an attack when it's internal? Therapy, been there done that, nope......medication.....yep tried that too. Praying....not like I should.

See the issue is when you are so broken all you can do is survive and then that's barely. I can only pray God is listening to my heart and not my head and can deliver me where He would have me go, I'm desperate for that to happen soon.

Death seems like an easier option, and the guilt that comes with that is immense. I do not want to kill myself, please do not mistake this for that and send the guys with white coats for me. I haven't tanned in a while, white would look horrible on me.

Feeling sucks, it hurts when you can't figure out how to be ok. I have a husband that adores me, kids that think I'm the best ever and tell me all the time. A home and all the comforts that go with it. Heck I'm typing this on a new computer cause my laptop was too slow and driving me nuts so Hubs indulged me.

But most days I can barely breath. I doubt all that I am, all that I've done. I let my exH make me question my parenting cause he doesn't have a good relationship with K and then tells me it's my fault cause I don't give her enough 1on1 time and therefore she doesn't want to be with him cause of me.....This is the man who choked me, pulled a gun on me and my 2y/o, cut the phone line when I called 911, refused to leave my house even after I filed divorce and only did after hitting me again and my calling the police. Who moved 2 1/2 hours away from his kids into his parents basement cause it sure beat being a responsible grown up and finding a job and his own place. THIS is the man I let make me question my parenting?
Just to cover my bases, my Ex knows about this blog and is most likely reading it and I'm sure has his own version (which is wrong I bet). I have always been honest with him, he knows how I feel so I'm ok writing it and ok with him reading it.

I've already talked about being an abused child and really don't want to go into it again. Needless to say it's jacked me up and no amount of therapy has helped yet.  My main abuser died, so not like I can deal with that on a real life level. I have started a "letters to the grave" blog, but haven't went anywhere with it so far.

My current biggest issue is with my Hubba. That is such a painful relationship. He is such a sweet, caring, loving, nurturing husband and father and any woman/kids would be blessed to have him. I don't appreciate it at all. He does not love me the way that I am able to feel love, so therefore does he love me at all? He's made choices that I have a hard time giving him grace for, despite my own poor choices. I should not have problems with this man, but I do. I've asked him to do things to help our relationship and he hasn't, he's been very passive and in the mean time I pull further and further away.

I feel horrible guilt for this. I have been divorced once, but I had an excuse, he abused me. What would be my "excuse" if it happened again? He loved me too much in his own way? He treated me too great?

I mean really, WTH is my problem.

I'm sure you have no idea of my internal struggles. I'm sure when you see me on the street and see my smile you'd have no clue of the pain I've become such a skilled actress at hiding. When I talk to you in casual conversation you'd have no clue of the internal dialogue that is making it hard for me to focus.

I thank you for that. For distracting me from my own pain. For providing me an outlet where I can get outside of myself.

The world is beautiful and about so much more than me and what happens in my head. I don't think God intends to trap me there, but Satan is sure giving it a run for the money.

This post shows you my weakness. I hate to show you my weakness, that's why I should win an Oscar for my mad hiding skills. But strength is found in weakness and victory is found in defeat. So I stand on the edge of these attacks that threaten to take my sanity and I plead to God to rescue me. I plead that if you struggle you know you are not alone, that if you don't, you have sympathy for those that do. The surface is not what people, what life, is all about.

God, these struggles are almost too much. I am trying to be Your humble servant. I want to follow the path that You will have me follow. Empty me of me, empty me of the lies of Satan, fill me with who You are and who You want me to be. Guide me and all my brothers and sisters that struggle so that we may find peace in You. You promise Your strength is enough. Make me believe. In Jesus' name. Amen.