Confession time, I've been doing that a lot lately. Not digging it so much but here I go.
I don't know how to love. (I feel the need to tell you my kids (actually pretty much all kids) are the exception to this rule for me) I don't "feel" love like a normal (whatever that is) person. Well at least I don't think so. I have learned to detach myself from people so that I don't have to hurt and have pain if they abandon me or disappoint me.
I've told you before I was an abused child. I was not protected, I was not safe. The person who said he loved me most hurt me most. The person who was supposed to protect me let me be hurt. People knew what was happening and nobody did anything. So I learned to hide, who I was, what I felt, what happened in my house, everything.
I am still that way. I have a hard time letting people into my world. I keep people on the surface. I'm working hard on that. So here I am, I strive to be real. I want people to love me for exactly who I am, however that me may present that day. I'm blessed to have people in my life like that now.
The person who has loved me without fail for over 10 years now is my husband. He loved me even when I was married to someone else (that sinner! ;-)) He never tried to do anything to destroy that marriage, he never asked me to choose him, to be with him. He just did exactly what a friend did, he listened when I needed to talked, he helped when I needed help. Even after that marriage failed (hard and miserably) he never asked me to be with him, he let me take time to grieve and heal and move on all on my own.
His patience paid off I suppose, well if I'm calling myself a prize. I finally realized that while he was not who I had thought would be in my life, he is who God gave me. He was/is amazing with my older girls who are not biologically his and treated me with nothing but kindness, never pushing for more than I could give.....so I married him.
I feel like he got a raw deal. I don't know how to love him, most of the time I don't think I do. That hurts me so much to admit out loud and might piss some people off when they read it. (Disclaimer: I would never say anything here that Scott does not already know) He knows I have a hard time with emotions, every emotion I feel easily comes across as anger, it's my defense feeling. Logically I know Scott would never hurt me intentionally, but my heart can not let down the shield.
I let my shield drop once and he abused me, he made me live my childhood as an adult and showed me what a weak person I was to let myself endure that even when I could walk away. He knew what happened to me as a child and he did the exact same thing. He said lots of words that turned out to be less than true.
I hate that I make Scott pay for what other men did to me. I hate that he understands and loves me anyway and is content to get what emotions he can from me and asks nothing more. I hate that I don't feel good enough for a man like him. He cooks, he cleans, he changes diapers, he rubs my feet whenever I ask and even when I don't, he gives me massages every night, he lets me have alone time whenever I want, he has no problems with girls nights out and doesn't want a boys night out because he wants to spend time with no one more than me and the kids. He has taken on not only K and A as his own, calling them his daughters and meaning it as much as he means C is his daughter, he also has taken in P and M multiple times. Those are my kids, my nephew and niece and he hasn't hesitated to care for and love them. He has never called me a name or raised a hand to me, he very rarely gets angry with me and if he does it's usually because he's mad at the trench that my depression has me in. In short he is what every woman says they want.
I am blessed. I just can't feel it. I know it, but I want to feel it.
So I'm going to be intentional with Scott. I started last night, I gave him a card and a letter and told him I loved him (that's big, cause usually I can't say that) In my recent conversations with God, He told me if I want to love my husband I have to love my husband. As scared as it makes me as much fear and anxiety as it causes I have to allow myself to feel and give love. Satan tells me all the reasons I should hide inside myself and I have to overcome that with the help of the Lord who is WAY more powerful than that stinkin' devil!!
I made it official cause I put it on facebook, and you know it's real when it's there! I am posting days of being intentionally on his page. "
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