Purpose...

I am having a hard time finding purpose lately. There seems to be none in the day to day monotony.

I know that I am not privy to God's big plan, but sometimes I wish He'd give me a clue.

I have had depression for a long time. I have been on medication on and off over the years. I am really bad about remembering to take medication......any medication (Hello baby #1 HA!)

I struggle with incredible guilt when I feel this way. Which sinks me even further. I have been doing the Days of Thanksgiving thing on FB and I really wish that I could use all those things to actually make me feel better. To make me feel. I hate when I feel numb like I do now.

I hate that I am admitting this to anybody. Say depression is a disease all you want, there is still a stigma that goes along with it. There is still a 'pull yourself outta it' attitude that most people have. My family included, which, jacked up as they are that is where lots of my beliefs come from, as well as my depression tendencies, both biologically and environmentally. I don't remember being teased in school, despite being the fat girl....nope, all that came from my family. Including my parents not just my siblings. Add the verbal abuse to the physical abuse and the long line of lunatics (for real!) and I'm screwed.

It's easy to be depressed in my house. My husband feels sorry for me, he knows what I've been through and desperately wants me to be ok. So when I fall into the trenches, he lets me, I get to wallow all I want and he will take care of everything around me. He never once told me I need to do anything about it, in fact when I say it, he makes excuses for me. What a great guy and enabler huh? Not that I blame him, there is no helping me when I'm down.

I think what's sucks the most is that logically I know better, but this is not something I can logic myself out of and it pisses me off. I have a husband who adores me and would literally do anything for me. I have kids who think I'm the best mom ever and tell me often. I have a warm home and the money to pay for it. I get to stay home and don't even have to worry about money. In fact, when I spent bunches of money the other day and told hubs I felt guilty about it, he said "don't worry about it, that's my job to figure it out" Go ahead, Hate me and tell me to suck it up buttercup! Seriously!! What the hell is my problem?!?!?!

I am having a hard time even praying about it. I'm not feeling very connected to God, why would He bother with an ungrateful wretch like me? I've begged and cried for relief, but that is all I can muster.

Ok I'm a downer and I really don't like sharing this side of me! I don't know why I keep feeling convicted to do so, but I'm really hoping someone out there isn't feeling so alone after reading it. Or maybe someone will pray for me when I can't find the words.

Ok, enough being real for the moment.......