A Confident Heart

I'm doing an online Bible Study. First time i've ever done anything like this.

Frankly i'm falling apart and there is no reason for it. I have 4 amazing kids who truly believe I am the best mom who ever walked the earth. Ok i'm assuming with B since he can't really verbalize that! The girls all tell me all the time how great I am.

My Hubs loves me for exactly who and how I am at the moment, he expects nothing of me. He is patient as I work on trust issues from past abuses. He loves me unconditionally in a way I fear I will never understand. I don't feel worthy of is love and I don't get it at all. As if that wasn't enough, on he days when I "just can't" he does. He does dishes, cooks, bathes kids, helps with homework, runs kids around, puts ponytails in little girls hair and will still take time to rub my feet or give me a message before bed. In short he is what every woman dreams of, and he only wants me, and yet i'm miserable.

I am a stay at home mom now, I've ALWAYS wanted to be one. I love getting to use SAHM as my title. Hubs is dedicated to me staying home, willing to handle all the money, both making it and figuring out how to spend it, so I can focus on my new role. Yet, i'm miserable.

I have the "American dream" loving husband, adoring kids, house, fenced in yard with a Golden Retriever in it.....yet i'm miserable.

Yes, there are "issues" We are foster parents to P and M, who have lots of issues. I am a survivor of pretty severe child hood abuse. I am a survivor of an abusive exH. Hubs and I are both currently unemployed. None of this should be able to steal my joy from all of the above, but here I am.....

Which brings me back to A Confident Heart by Renee Swope, it is the book that is the subject of my first Bible Study with Melissa Taylor.

I've concluded i'm miserable because i'm relying on all the wrong people. I'm trying to get my husband to love me enough to give me confidence. I'm trying to get him to teach me how to trust. That is never going to happen and here is why "But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence" (Jeremiah 17:7)

EUREKA!!!!

My husband can not fill the holes, my kids can not make me ok. God, God is the only answer. Ok ok, i've known that. But I haven't lived that. I talk a good talk, but God is telling me to walk the walk now. I am at a pivotal point in my life I do believe. I go down wallowing in misery, or I stand up, put my trust in the right direction, close my hands in prayer and turn my face to the Lord.

Frankly, misery sucks! I'm turning north! I do not expect this to be an easy journey. I am human, I will fall, but I am going to keep seeking, I am going to keep reading His word, I am going to keep praying, and I am going to trust Him.

God, I am weak, I am a sinner, I am lost, I need you now more than ever, to show me your will, to guide me on your path. I want to trust you with all that I am. I want You to be my hope and confidence. I want to be one of  Your girls. Please Lord lead me in the way that You would have me go. In Jesus' name. Amen