Life is happening and it's happening so fast, way faster than i'm ok with. I know, I know, it's just how it goes, but right now it's breaking my heart!
My little man, my baby baby, as in my last baby will be 1 tomorrow! We had his party yesterday and the days leading up to it has been a downward spiral for me. I adore my kids, I have 4 as you know, but I want more! Yes I now i'm crazy, well by most people's standards but still, I hate the knowledge that i'm done. How do I know i'm done? Well cause the hubs went and got fixed! So I guess techincally he's done done, not me.....but well, i'm not willing to go down that road so here I am, with a baby who's not so much anymore! I knew he was getting the big V, I drove him there, I left the final decision up to him. He chose V, I know it's the right thing to do, we can't handle more. Especially since we also have P and M as foster children cause my sister can't manage to take care of her kids. I know i'll always want more, it's just how I am, this is a time when logic had to overrule heart. Carys almost died when she was born, it was very touch and go for a couple days and then with Brady both he and I almost didn't make it, I think that cinched it for hubs, better to thank God for our 4 than to risk his wifes life for another. Still........
Add that to the fact that I am no officially a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM) something i've always wanted to be, but wow, now that it's reality I am SCARED! I have had a full time job since before I ever had kids, I worked at that place for 12 1/2 years, I made very good money for very easy work! I joked that my job was my "down time" from my full time job of kids. Though that job sometimes was 17 hours a day taking WAY too much time away from my kids. I couldn't commit to anything with my kids because I never knew when i'd get out on time. I wanted to be away from that job for that among other reasons....now I am....now i'm in a panic. Scott assures me we'll be ok, but well, honestly, he's had a habit of saying things and then not having the actions to make his words believable. <--- haha was that diplomatic or what?!?!
Gonna end there for now, cause well, I can't go on, my funk is running pretty deep right now. Too many changes
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