Being real...

We went to church this morning, as we often do. With our perfect looking little (ok not so little) family being the do gooders that we are. Several things are now flowing through my mind and it's time to be real.

I do not want to be real, I hate being real, it literally makes me sick. Ok that's not true, I think I'm always real. I am open (but hidden) and honest (always) I genuinely love and care about people, to my own detriment quite often. I suffer so others do not have to. That is not to say I haven't hurt people, I have, because I am a human and a sinner and I have put my my own selfish needs before everything else at times. I've often allowed anger to get the better of me.

What I mean by being real makes me sick is I'm not able to share my heart. I can not let people into my own little painful world. People usually think I'm an outgoing happy person and I am, when I am not being overcome by pain. My internal struggle is not shared, ever, only Scott knows the pain I face daily. In fact as I'm typing this the tears are already starting to flow and I'm wondering why I am not stopping, I mean seriously, I have the power to stop typing....but I don't.

I'm handing it over to God and I feel He is wanting me to let the inside out. I'm terrified and mad. But I'm also broken and weak and can not do this on my own. I NEED God, more than every. I NEED to be ok.

One of the things that came up this morning for me is that I'm mostly a Sunday Christian and that realization makes me miserable. Sure I do kid space, we even started community group and I've pushed K into youth group (which she now loves btw). That goes back to looking good. Who cares if it looks good if I'm miserable because I don't feel a real relationship with God. Which is truly why I do what I do, I want to be close with God and I feel the more "church" things I do the more he will accept me.

I'm not living it daily. I'm doing an online bible study and reading the book and I feel the passion as I'm reading, but I put it down, move onto real life and it is quickly forgotten. I want to feel God in every area, in everyday. I want my kids to live God, to know God, really know, feel, Him, not just about Him.

By all appearances I am doing great. I am now a stay at home mom, I have 4 kids who think I'm the best mom ever and willingly tell me all the time, I have a niece and nephew who despite difficulties are thriving in our home, I have a house (fenced in yard with a golden retriever....that's "the dream" right?!?) my husband loves me in a way I'll never understand. I've always figured that if others thought I was ok, then I could eventually be ok. Fake it till you make it has been my motto for years....problem being, I've never made it.

And here I am, miserable. I have suffered from depression for years. I'm truly trying to figure out how to get out of it, how to survive, how to be ok. Am I being open and honest about my struggles? Hell no! That brings judgement, but ya know what it doesn't matter. Someone spoke at church this morning and he told of his struggle, his internal struggle and he said something along the line of....No offense but God is who's judging me so it doesn't matter what you all think and God already knows what is going on anyway.

What is my struggle? Inadequacy. I feel I am not good enough. I never have been, my dad would not have hit me if I was good enough. My mother would actually have a relationship with me if I was good enough. I would have friends who actually seeked time with me out if I was good enough. My 1st husband would not have abused me, said he'd love me forever and then leave without a fight if I was good enough. My current husband would have never chose to be with someone before me if I was good enough. If I was a good mom my kids would not scream at me. If I was a good Aunt my niece and nephew would not have so many issues. God would not allow me all this pain, give me this family that I am too broken to enjoy if I was good enough. I deserve none of this life, happiness should not be mine because I am not good enough. On and on and on....

And now I sob uncontrollably and I hate that I am sharing this, because I don't want you to know. I don't want you to know I'm broken into a million pieces and don't feel like they will ever be put back together. I want to hide in my world. I want to stay here alone and cry only when no one is around. But God knows and now you do.

Lord, please help me, I don't know why you are putting it on me to share this, as it is bringing up so much pain. I know it is through the pain, in facing it that I will get through it. God, show me how, show me the light, lead me to it. I'm submitting fully to you because I know you are the only way. Put me on the path you would have me follow. In Your name I pray. Amen.