Oversharing

Oversharing is a vice of mine......or maybe it's a quality? I tend to be an open book, but I'm also a contradiction. In other words I'm only an open book to those that get me talking and that I feel comfortable with. I am not one that will just share with anyone, ok well I kinda will share with anyone, but not randomly.

I want people to feel comfortable, usually that happens with people they can relate with, I give them something to relate to. I've lived a lot of life in my 33 years....mostly tragically, but seems people relate well to that. One, they like to have someone who understands from an inside perspective, two, they like to hear from people who had it worse than them! Human nature people!

I share here too. A lot! Sometimes after I hit publish I think about who my audience is. I really have no idea who reads my words (if anyone) I do know who has access, and that would be everyone in the world! Including some of the people I've mentioned. My husband reads this of course, but I tell him everything already (and I mean EVERYTHING) so if you ever tell me something and tell me not to tell anyone please know that he is not included in the "anyone".  I am a great keeper of peoples issues but sometimes I need to bounce what's in my head off someone, he is my someone.

Anyway, I've also mentioned my past and abuse issues. My dad has been gone for 12 years (today actually) and he was the source of most of the abuse. Not like there is any dialogue going on there. I have never even visited his grave and really have no plan to. I have written "Letters to the Grave" though. I even have a blog with that title...but I'm not ready for all that in the world right now. My family can read this though, some that know the issues some that don't.

I've also mentioned an abusive ex-husband. He too can read this. Not like he doesn't know what he did though. We have 2 kids together so I have no choice but to still have contact with him. I'm sure he knows that if not for them he'd have absolutely no place in my life. While we are different people now and older, he is not someone I will ever be ok with. As sorry as he his he has helped shape my life in an incredibly painful way. I thought I had processed all my childhood issues when it was all brought up again by his abuse. I have never been ok since then. Not only did he hurt me even while knowing what had happened to me in the past, he showed me I wasn't who I thought I was. I swore a man would never hit me, I swore I would kill him if he tried, I swore I would leave immediately. I was wrong. I let it happen, time and time again. I lived my childhood as an adult and I let it happen. I did stop it when it started affecting my kids though, at least I did that. When something was thrown at me and hit my 18 month old who was between us I knew I was done.

I also know they only reason I was able to be done was because I had Scott, my current husband and then best friend. I knew he loved me even back then. I knew he would help me with my girls and that because of him I would be ok. I have never admitted that to anyone and it actually brings up lots of shame. I left because I knew I wouldn't be alone. It hurts to admit how damn insecure I am in myself and my abilities.

And here I go oversharing again. See what I'm talking about? If you are reading this, I'm going to assume there is a reason. I hope you get something out of my pain. Whether you feel better because I can admit what you sometimes feel, or because you can relate and know you are not alone, or even if because "at least your life isn't so screwed up" or even if you take joy in my misery. I have to trust there is a reason God is telling me to share my secret world. I've been very careful for years and years about who I let in, there is a reason I'm now letting go to my verbal diarrhea. God is huge and so much more than you or I and He is who I must follow.

Lord I don't want to overshare. This blog has taken a turn that I would never have imagined. I will trust in You and Your plans for my life. Guide me as I take this scary painful journey of self-discovery with You. Keep me on the path that You will have me walk. Bless those who read my words, whatever their reason maybe be. In Your name I pray, Amen.