I should post....

I feel the need to blog something.

I really don't feel like it.

I have to make myself do things when I don't feel like it or the nothingness will swallow me.

I am having a difficult time.

The kids are all passing around their sickness. The baby is sick AGAIN! Both of the oldest kids have missed some school this week.

My niece continues to scream, for hours a day. My 3 y/o is becoming rather rude and outspoken and copies her cousins all the time. Yesterday while waiting for P to get out of the dentist, C got mad at me because I wouldn't let her pull off all the free mammogram fliers (they were pink after all!) so she screams "Ugh, I can't stand you!" Ummm yeah, mother of the year, way to knock me down in front of lots of people. I know she is copying what she sees and testing her boundaries, but still. It hurts, without my kids there is no me, so when they treat me that way, it stings me to my core. Seems to be happening a lot these days....with all the kids.

The basement is supposed to be done in 5 days and it is so not going to happen. Hubs is finally letting people come in to help, but there is so much to do. In the mean time he's working tons of overtime and the kids are going bonkers. They need space to spread out and I desperately need them to have that space.

I finally got around to reading the chapter for my bible study this week, while I was waiting for P at an appt. It is titled "I'm not good enough" (A Confident Heart--Renee Swope). I put it off because I didn't have time, but mostly because I didn't want to face it. Actually I'm having a hard time connecting with anything right now. I don't feel like I'm good enough even for God. As people talk about "talking" to Him, I think who am I to try that? Why with all the billions of people in the world would He listen to me? How does He have time to care about my itty bitty problems with all the issues in the world? Why the hell do I think I would matter? Truth? I don't think that.

I sit broken and hidden and it is just how I want to be. Not from God, but from the world. I don't want to let the world in. I want to wallow in my private undoubting hell while I wait and pray that God hears my pleas and will someday pull me out.

Yet I type this crap and then I hit publish! Seriously! WTH!!

God I am trying to do what I think you are telling me to do. I don't understand why or how You could love me the way You promise, please help me to trust You and not to lean on my own understanding but to trust in Your word. Use me in the way that You will. Allow my pain to help someone else, allow my words to bring a comfort to others. Guide me on the path You want me to follow.  In Your name, Amen.